Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
