apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
