new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize