So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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