she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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