Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize