Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
