Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
