did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
