You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
tell me about the eggs
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