Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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