I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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