They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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