Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
