i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
