We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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