you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
