I bet he comes in French.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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