Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
