living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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