Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
