I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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