Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
