: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
