Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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