I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
