I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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