I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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