you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
