It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
