ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
two words: eviction party
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
