Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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