she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
