It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
