I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
