And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
