I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize