I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize