She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
