remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
