I wish I could punch you in the face.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
