she kept yelling 'call me bella'
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
