the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
