how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize