Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
