went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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