You're so nebulous sometimes
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize