i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Boobs speak an international language.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
