I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
