Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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