Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You did what with his pubic hair?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize