He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize