I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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