mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize