New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
