she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
