Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
