I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
