i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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